Team Five Morris

I am about to turn 34.  But I still feel like I am 13 and often act like it.  I have three beautiful kids who look to me to be the adult and be responsible.  And it is suffocating sometimes.  I kind of wonder when I am actually going to be a big girl and stop acting immature.  I keep hoping that one day I'll just wake up with all the answers, tons of patience and KNOW that I have finally arrived at adulthood. 

Last week was a sad example of how lacking I am in the areas of wisdom, self control and maturity.  The scary thing is is that I teach my kids at home.  I am the sole distributer of knowledge for them.  Yikes.  This year my oldest is in fifth grade and I had to buy the answer book just to be able to correct his english assignments.  I speak English fluently, or so I thought.  But nonetheless I suck at remember what the heck a prepositional phrase is or how to diagram a sentence.  My daughter is in third grade and for once she seems to be the easy one.  But then there is sweet little Benjamin who is six and in first grade.  He had never experienced an day of school in America with other kids.  He was in a Ugandan school for a few months when he was three.  Benjamin looks at me with his green eyes and his deep dimples and waits for me to impart some wisdom to him.  Boy, what a let down for him. 

So last week I had a break down as I tried to teach Ben how to count American money.  We obviously don't use it here but he needs to learn it for sometime in the future.  We have been diligently counting quarters, nickels, dimes and pennies for the last year and a half.  But Friday Ben's brain shut down and pretended like it couldn't do it anymore.  AND I LOST IT.  Like the immature wretch that I am, I got really pissy with him and then put my head down on the table and cried.  Like a baby.  And then Ben panicked at seeing his mom crying and he started crying too.  And then after much yelling and frustration he crept over to me and asked for a hug.  AND I HESITATED. Gross right?  Why would I hesitate to hug my precious child after I destroyed what little confidence he had in counting with my own expectations?  I grudgingly hugged him and then finally my cold mean heart softened and we just wept together.  So ridiculous.  A 34 year old woman weeping with a six year old over counting 35 cents.  I was horrified at my immaturity.

After apologizing profusely to my kids and explaining again about sin I prayed for a bit.  I am reading a great book (thanks Amy Lathrop!) called Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands by Paul Trip.  There are many parts in it I'd love to share but you should just buy it and read it so I don't have to type them out.  But one of them said this: "Imagine how mini-kings (what we think of ourselves) approach parenting.  What they really long for is pre-sanctified, self-parenting children.  They find the daily service and sacrifice of godly parenting to be a huge imposition." Uh...yeah, that sums it up for me.  He says in another part of the book, "Wouldn't it be nice to come home just once to a house that wasn't full of problems I needed to solve? As I voiced that frustration to myself, it hit me.  I wanted children who had never suffered the effects of the Fall and who possessed the innate ability to make all the right choices.  I wanted family devotion and a few lectures to produce children who would do quite well on their own.  I, too, lacked the self-sacrificing love essential in a family full of sinners.  I saw my children as being in the way of the plan, rather than the focus of it." 

Because I am so immature and self centered I often freak out on my kids and exhibit the very behavior I am chastising them for.  I want them to be perfect without me actually doing the work to teach, guide and serve them.  I think of them as little bundles of distraction from my desires of what I'd like to accomplish in a day.  And when they don't understand something I teach or respond in a less-than-polite way I lose it.  Man, that is painful to realize. 

I am so very thankful that God doesn't treat me that way.  His love is consistent and unconditional, His discipline is swift but restorative and His plan graciously includes me.  Lord how I want to be like that for my own kids.  

Dan is preaching through 1 Corinthians.  There is a lot in there about spiritual maturity.  And it's like God is showing me over and over how I need to be mature.  I need to respond to the gospel, practice righteousness and repentence and then model the behavior for these three "mini-me's" He has put in my bumbling care.  His amazing grace covers my poor parenting, my lack of wisdom, my impatience and my conditional love.  More than that it transforms these things into humility, patience, repentence and grace towards others.  I don't know if I'll wake up feeling mature and wise tomorrow, and I don't know if Ben will be able to count out 35 cents but I know that God will be cheering me on to spiritual adulthood.  

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