Team Five Morris

I was raised with a matriarchal grandmother’s voice ringing in my ears. She was from the old school “high society” of Southern California. Even at a young age I recall high expectations from her in regards to my behavior. Yelling and causing a ruckus was frowned on. Using “please” and “thank you” was expected. Eating anything put on your plate without question (even if it contained gizzards) and smiling while you choked it down was a must. Children could participate in adult conversation only if invited to do so. She even mandated how to address letters to her and chastised my mom once for allowing me to be “too familiar” in my writing. Now all that being said, I don’t think you have to be rigid with kids when it comes to manners but teaching them basic respect for other people is imperative. (For the record, I adored my grandmother and still have an appreciation for all her “manner lessons”. )

So now as a parent I have been trying to teach the kids these basic principals. Actually these biblical principals. Think of others more highly than you do of yourself, respect authority, obey those in authority over you, be kind to others…etc. The first one, thinking of others more highly than yourself, is the key one that encompasses all other manners. If you think of the person in line more important than yourself you won’t push or try to cut. If you think of your siblings as more important than yourself you won’t be greedy with the last of the dessert. If you think of your parents as more important than yourself you will do your best to help them when they ask. All of these things point toward obedience and respect, two important values in teaching your kids ultimately about God.

Now, most of you know me and my kids well. Many of you might point out that maybe we could use a little more work in this area and that would be a fair claim. However, we have been trying to teach them these things since birth. Now living in Kampala Uganda it’s a whole new ball game. I want to say a disclaimer here: I am NOT bashing this culture. I am happy to be here and grateful for my kids to have an opportunity to experience this new culture. BUT…teaching manners in this seeming “manner-less” society is difficult.

First off there is the problem of skin color. In America if you were on the street and saw an African and you yelled out, “Black person, black person!”, people might see that as rude. In fact you might be labeled more than rude. However, in Kampala adults and kids alike shriek “muzungu, muzungu” at us as we pass. (Which means white person, white person). It really disturbs Benjamin. I long to tell these people that I have a name and to quit yelling things at me. Last night Hannah said, “Maybe we should say ‘blackie, blackie’ when they say ’muzungu, muzungu’.” My first instinct was to tell her to go ahead and do that. But I stopped short. What is that teaching her? That yelling out labels to people different than you is okay? She sees them do it and feels justified in her comment. However it really makes me feel angry when they do it to me so why would I retaliate? Teaching the kids to respect people who show us no respect is difficult for sure.

Another thing I struggle with is waiting in line. When we first came here I would patiently take my place in line at the grocery store or bank. Pretty quickly I realized there are no rules when it comes to waiting in line. Many times at the grocery store as I unloaded my things on the counter people would simply push me out of the way and shove money at the cashier. The first time this happened I was shocked and really angry but held my tongue. More recently though I have started speaking up and saying, “Excuse me, I was already here, please wait.” More often than not the people look at me like, “ What’s the big deal?”. The big deal may be just an American expectation of fairness that doesn’t exist here but I still want my kids to learn to wait their turn. So how to do that? If you don’t get pushy yourself you find yourself at the back of the line. Aiden especially struggles as he isn’t very assertive. I don’t really have an answer for how to combat this issue other than teach the kids to be kind but assertive when waiting in line.

Don’t even get me started on the driving. To me the crazed, no holds barred, aggressive driving here boils down to one thing. Selfishness. People have no rules to obey. You can drive on the shoulder of the road causing people to leap out of your way. You can cut people off, in fact you are almost forced to cut people off repeatedly if you want to get where you are going. It’s like everyone is watching out for themselves and thinking only of arriving at their destination instead of thinking of others. I find this so distressing every time we drive anywhere. And for the kids to witness this daily and see that it’s okay here worries me. Thank goodness none of them will be driving anytime soon. I just can’t help thinking that if there were more order and respect on the road then everyone would get where they want to go much faster.

“Give me” is the term used in place of “please” here. I have been so taken aback by kids saying that to me and my kids. I can just hear my grandmother’s snort of disgust and outrage at the lack of respect. I have asked around and have yet to understand what the Luganda word for “please” is. It just isn’t used. I insist that my kids still say please because it just seems so wrong not to. I will say though that “thank you” or “webale” is used. For that I am grateful. Hannah has an ongoing battle with the snack bar lady at her school. No matter how nice Hannah is the lady still answers her in a gruff, rude manner. I told Hannah that she is still expected to respect the lady and continue to say please and thank you no matter what. Maybe I should be happy for these hard lessons in their lives at such an early age.

Even at grocery stores and other vendors the employees usually grunt in response to you and never return a kind “thank you” when I say it. Just two days ago I went to a toy store to get Hannah a birthday present. There were five employees working in this small store packaging stuffed animals. I waited patiently at the cashier desk for a few minutes. They all saw me and continued to discuss their weekend plans. I cleared my throat a few times and looked pointedly in their direction. Nothing. Finally exasperated and outraged at their lack of response I said, “Do any of you work here? I’d like to purchase this gift please.” They all passed an annoyed glance between themselves and one man finally grunted a bit and told one of the shop girls to help me. She sauntered up to the desk after continuing her conversation with the other employee for another few minutes. “Which one did you want?” she asked me in a flat tone. I pointed out the toy and she literally rolled her eyes as she lazily reached for it. The American consumer in me wanted to scream, “Don’t you want my business? What is wrong with you?”. I had to take a deep breath and I still offered a “thank you” after she finished the task of ringing me up and packaging the gift. (You’d think I had asked her to trim my nose hairs, so great was her annoyance at my purchase).

So here I am in a seemingly manner-less society. I am struggling to separate my American values, which may not always be right, from the basic desire for respect. I desperately want the kids to be kind and loving to others and to shine brightly with biblical respect in this society. It is a difficult task. And I also realize that America doesn’t have the market cornered on politeness. There are rude people everywhere. I also realize that hiding behind loveless manners doesn’t make my kids better than other people. My hope is for them to be motivated by God’s love and respond in a like manner to those around them. This isn’t just a control thing to please me or to pay homage to my grandmother’s ideals. I truly want them to understand and respect people because God desires it. There is no easy fix for this. I realize we must be modeling it ourselves as parents which is increasingly more and more difficult for me to do here. I myself need to remember to think of others as more important than myself. So for now please pray for this weird society we have entered and that God would give me the strength to love and respect these people regardless of their response to me.

Miss Manners signing off…(picture me curtsying here.)